20 Jokes For The Comedy Hall Of Fame
Carly Tennes
Published
Yesterday
in
Funny
As any pun-slinging middle-aged dad can attest, cracking one liners is no easy task. But for storied comics like, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers, bringing down the house with legendary jokes is all in a day's work.
From Rodney Dangerfield to Norm Macdonald, here are 20 jokes that most definitely earned their spot in the comedy hall of fame.
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1. Steve Sells Seashells By The Seashore
Courtesy of Jerry Corley aka The Joke Doctor on YouTube“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.” — Steven Wright -
2. Get Freed
Courtesy of Just For Laughs on YouTube“I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core p—.” — Gilbert Gottfried -
3. Empty House
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr on YouTube“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” — Jimmy Carr -
4. Oedipal Arrangements
Courtesy of Laugh Trax on YouTube“I once walked in on my parents having s— It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.” — Norm Macdonald -
5. Best In Show
Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield on YouTube“My mom took me to a dog show, and I won!” — Rodney Dangerfield -
6. Life is a Highway
Courtesy of Conan O'Brien on YouTube“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?” — Zach Galifianakis -
7. Time and Place
Courtesy of Comedy Central Stand-Up on YouTube“I believe that you can learn something in every situation. Like last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.” — Demetri Martin -
8. Bet It All On Black
Courtesy of Pozzitive Comedy on YouTube“I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, ‘it's because I'm black, isn't it.’” — Milton Jones -
9. Eight Not-So-Crazy Nights
Courtesy of VHS Comedy And Music Vault on YouTube“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” — Richard Lewis -
10. Pit Crew
Courtesy of Comedy Central Stand-Up on YouTube“I want to be a race car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver: ‘Say man, can I turn on the radio?’ ‘You should slow down.’ ‘Why do we gotta keep going in circles?’ ‘Man, you really like Tide!’” — Mitch Hedberg -
11. Put The Scissors Down
Courtesy of Netflix is a Joke on YouTube“Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re looking at your friends, asking, ‘Do I look weird?’” — Taylor Tomlinson -
12. Daddy’s Home
Courtesy of Comedy Central Stand-Up on YouTube“I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father — especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” — Eugene Mirman -
13. Looney Tunes
Courtesy of angyvasile on YouTube“Canadian money is also called the looney. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? ‘The looney is down!’ ‘Oh, how sad for you!’” — Robin Williams -
14. A Carrot A Day …
Courtesy of Netflix is a Joke on YouTube“Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.” —Sarah Silverman -
15. I Don’t
Courtesy of Comedy Dynamics on YouTube“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos: I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” — Margaret Cho -
16. Glam Squad
Courtesy of Joan Forever on YouTube“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’” — Joan Rivers -
17. Dress For The Job You Want
Courtesy of Comedy Central Stand-Up on YouTube“Genetics didn’t quite work with me. My career options were either comedy, softball coach or UPS driver. I don’t look good in brown, so I’m a comedian.” — Fortune Feimster -
18. Bully For Jack
Courtesy of Still Watching Netflix on YouTube“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.” — Jack Whitehall -
19. Good Luck, Babe!
Courtesy of Comedy Central Stand-Up on YouTube“I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.” — Kristen Schaal -
20. Hostage Crisis
Courtesy of Laugh Society on YouTube“You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.” — Tom Papa
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Steve Sells Seashells By The Seashore
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.” — Steven Wright
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.” — Steven Wright
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